My journey started out as a fairy tale. I met the most wonderful man on the ski slopes. He was handsome, caring and very charming. As the years went by, this once charming prince turned into a not so nice person. I saw ‘red flags’ along the way, but chose to ignore them because I was in love. Or, in love with the idea of love. I know you understand what I mean. Someone gives you attention, you are intrigued then you so badly want to be loved that you fall in love with someone even though there is something off. We are such romantics. We see a fairy tale in the most charming of men. To be blinded by this is something every woman has experienced. The lucky few, like my parents, meet the one that was intended for them. This is my wish for all of you reading this blog. I truly do not want you to do as I did, settle for anything less than you deserve. You do not need a man to have a full life.
As time ticked on, abusive comments about my appearance, my attitude, my abilities, etc. occurred daily. I constantly walked on ‘egg shells’ not knowing what mood this person would be in. There was very little relief from the verbal and emotional abuse. Frequently there would be dishes thrown, gates kicked, holes punched in walls and screaming insults late into the night. Almost every day was unpredictable I tried to please this person by giving in or appeasing him to avoid the abuse. If I asked him to get help, minimizing his behavior and blaming me was a typical response. I had false hope that things would be ok; that things would change. I felt guilty of a failed relationship. I felt helpless, hopeless.
Because I was afraid of his threats, I would try to distract him so his anger would not escalate. I was constantly trying to diffuse and redirect his emotions and anger so that the children would not be affected. It became that the children and I would stay away from the house as much as possible. We would play at the park, go to libraries, go on playdates, and stay in the car to hang out all to avoid going home and having to deal with anger and abuse.
After years of abuse and comparison, I developed a poor image of myself. I thought I was ugly, fat, stupid, old, boring, unsexy, etc. I desperately wanted to leave the relationship. It is so difficult to leave when the one person you once loved becomes the one person you fear. After one final evening of abuse, I had the courage to end the relationship. I could not let my children suffer anymore. I was ending the cycle of abuse for them. This has been the best decisions of my life!
Once I had the courage to leave, it became my chance to grow. I continually grow daily. I pray you will grow in ways beyond your dreams. Revamp your thinking about yourself and KNOW that you are a special! This blog is for you!